I left Ella alone for the first time today. I left her at home with my mum while I went over to my ex who was going to help me move some furniture from a friend's place to mine. I was gone for about 1 1/2 hour. First drank a beer at my ex's place while chatting to a couple of his friends. I was fretting a bit, felt like calling home after 15 minutes to see how Ella was. Wish I had. Did get some distraction when this physician tried to explain to me in detail what his Phd was about. Waaay over my head, so had to strain my brain which left little room for other thoughts.
Then I walked the dog to the creek close to my ex's house while the boys picked up the furniture, cause I could not resist the opportunity to "boldly go where no stroller has gone before!"
When I got home, where the boys had already unloaded the furniture, my mum told me that Ella had screamed so hard most of the time I was gone, that she thought she was going to choke! She had only just got her to sleep. That broke my motherly heart of course.
Since Ella was now asleep, I quickly hopped in the car again to pick up the cushions for the couch at the friend's place. When I came back 10 minutes later I heard Ella scream when I walked in the door. I found my mum rocking her in the cradle. When I walked over and put my hand on Ella's chest and talked to her, she immediatley went quiet and looked around to find my face. That moment filled me with an overwhelming feeling of love.
She probably had tummy cramps, which strangely enough she hadn't really had for about a week or more. She was exhausted from crying. It took me lots of time, lots of comforting, and some fennel tea and milk before she was calm again and ready to go to sleep.
And all that time I was teary feeling so bad that she'd been in pain and got so upset and her mum wasn't there to comfort her. And it felt so good to hold her little warm body against mine (even tho it was probably 30 degrees in the house).
And then my mum kept saying: "Look, whether you hold her or I hold her, that doesn't make any difference anyway". OF COURSE that makes a difference!!! I'm her mum after all! I felt I never wanted to leave Ella again. So now I'm really worried about having to leave her with the day care mum. (Needed to insert the crying emoticon here! But it's gone...)
Now it's 10:25pm and I am too hyper to go to bed. Very happy that Ella is asleep and is in no more pain and my mind is racing a bit because of the strong feelings tonight experiences has triggered.
Then I walked the dog to the creek close to my ex's house while the boys picked up the furniture, cause I could not resist the opportunity to "boldly go where no stroller has gone before!"
When I got home, where the boys had already unloaded the furniture, my mum told me that Ella had screamed so hard most of the time I was gone, that she thought she was going to choke! She had only just got her to sleep. That broke my motherly heart of course.
Since Ella was now asleep, I quickly hopped in the car again to pick up the cushions for the couch at the friend's place. When I came back 10 minutes later I heard Ella scream when I walked in the door. I found my mum rocking her in the cradle. When I walked over and put my hand on Ella's chest and talked to her, she immediatley went quiet and looked around to find my face. That moment filled me with an overwhelming feeling of love.
She probably had tummy cramps, which strangely enough she hadn't really had for about a week or more. She was exhausted from crying. It took me lots of time, lots of comforting, and some fennel tea and milk before she was calm again and ready to go to sleep.
And all that time I was teary feeling so bad that she'd been in pain and got so upset and her mum wasn't there to comfort her. And it felt so good to hold her little warm body against mine (even tho it was probably 30 degrees in the house).
And then my mum kept saying: "Look, whether you hold her or I hold her, that doesn't make any difference anyway". OF COURSE that makes a difference!!! I'm her mum after all! I felt I never wanted to leave Ella again. So now I'm really worried about having to leave her with the day care mum. (Needed to insert the crying emoticon here! But it's gone...)
Now it's 10:25pm and I am too hyper to go to bed. Very happy that Ella is asleep and is in no more pain and my mind is racing a bit because of the strong feelings tonight experiences has triggered.
Lin
